What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
12.06.2025 11:06
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
One cannot live in the past .
She married twice! .
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
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But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Will friendly dogs protect their owners?
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
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But it wasn’t much.
Im still living with it.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
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This is soul school!.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
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Comes on , in middle age.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
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We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Was to survive, this bastard.
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But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Why did i forgive my father ?
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Is it okay if I sleep with my brother without my husband knowing?
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I said to her
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I was scared of men, in general
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I waited trembling.
All the time i was locked up.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I will be 64.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I was very sick at this time too.
So whats the point in blame.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
And who doesn’t know suffering?
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I never cut or harmed myself..
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I couldn’t, believe it.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
My life is so biszare .
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
He resisted the act ,that day.
I have no regrets .
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
But, we were locked up after school.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
We all went to grammer schools
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
She wouldn,t have been !
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I think the readers, may guess!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
We were not on the streets..
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Especially a lifetime of it.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
My family never makes their pension either.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
She was in good health!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I could never make a relationship work though!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
She loved him until the end.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I was seconnd youngest,
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
(And it was in our own minds.)
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Ive learnt so much.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Would this be the day?
She found it foreign!.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Put me off passion for life!!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I don,t even have a pension.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
It was going to be , some day.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I write beautiful poetry .
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
And i lived it daily.
What did i know ?
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
He knew the spot.
So, i spoilt her more .
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
When she asked me how she looked .
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I was 9 years of age.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
As i do to all so called friends.?
Who then, do I blame.?
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .